Stella Artois!

Wings

Name - Stella Artois
Alias - Our Stella, Stella Artwat, Brian the Brickie
Age - ...less
Residence - Mardi Gras, Blackpool
Profession - Caberet Artist and builder
Favourite Pose - The Camel Hoof!
Trademark Fashion - Sparkly, fitted frocks and iffeminate tatoos
Smokes - A Pipe
Drinks - Well, duurrrrr!
Loves - Val Stella, The opening tune, the spotlight, jvc boots
Hates - Restrictive underwear, miming and cowboy builders
Role - Messiah and mecca for the annual 'Stella Fest' pilgrimages
Most Likely To Say - I bet you've eaten some grass in your time!
Least Likely To Say - Make mine a half

A Gay!

Wings

Name - Martin Rhodes
Alias - A Gay, Martini, Mimsy, Tina, Martella.
Age - 23
Residence - Lockwood Street, Mimseyville

Profession - Bar Whore and Royal Mail Whip Bearer
Favourite Pose - Red eye avoiding eyes closed
Trademark Fashion - Salmon garments, gay bands, grandpa slippers
Smokes - Plenty
Drinks - Anything sweet and going
Loves - His 'Cat' (pillow that easts and shits) camp tunes, Pizza Hut buffet, bein a tramp
Hates - DIY, decorating, thick-as-shit-barstaff, midgets.
Role - Best friend and confident, always good for a bit of goose!
Most likely to say - Hasta men yana, ferme la bouche, ride the walrus!
Least likely to say - Shall I help you with that flat pack furniture?

Queen Bee!

Wings

With my new found ability to upload pics (yes, Mummy said I was special) I've decided to end the confusion and plain name dropping by putting a few profiles online so you know your Martini's from your stroponstokes from your....

Name - Sherrin Bergvist (spelling is probably more funky!)
Alias - Queen B, Saffy, Bee, Shez, Shezmeana.
Age - 33
Residence - Chez Shez II, Hanley
Profession - Queen of the Hive and Womens Refuge Worker
Favourite Pose - Hand to camera fag in hand side pout.
Trademark Fashion - TShirts with sayings, paws, lips, hearts. More glitter the better. Preferably in black. Ankle length skirts.
Smokes - Lots
Drinks - Bacardi and Coke
Loves - Cats, gays, her camera, Madonna, Bagpuss and gay porn
Hates - Lesbians, driving, lesbians, being wrong, lesbians
Role - Is the networking queen bee of the scene. The big sis I never had. Always good for a bit of telephone induced ear-rot.
Most likely to say - Raaaaaaaar!
Least likely to say - Yes Tracey, I really like your girlfriend!

Of ripping off Stroponstoke!

As promised, Dr Ben Dover and his able Nurse Destiny Diamond were 'practicing' at the club Friday 24th June


Yes. I know you've all been BEGGING for a more detailed (have you seen the length of my recent posts?) view into the life of the Winged one. So here, dear reader, I log the days events. In no way shape or form have I even come up with this concept. All loyalties are to be forwarded to stroponstoke (including 10% on the book deal)

8:00am - alarm goes off on phone with a cheap polyphonic rendition of 'Hey Ya' that immediatly gets snoozed.

8:10am - snooze
8:20am - snooze
8:30am - snooze
8:40am - snooze
8:50am - snooze

9:00am - jump up out of bed forgetting I have eye rejuvination cream on and give myself pinkeye for the fourth morning in a row by rubbing eyes

9:05am - realise what time it is. throw choco squares in a bowl and kit-e-kat for chloe. Realise I've filled the wrong bowls. Skip breakfast

9:10am - Jump in the bath. Adjust tempreture for five minutes before crawling out with shampoo in hair still.

9:15am - straighten hair. Attempt to tame the piece near my fringe. Fail miserably. Look like a weasal just gave up on oxygen on my head.

9:20am - try to find keys for work. panic. trip over pieces of storage heater still in the hallway. swear. lots.

9:25am - run out of door with toothpaste dripping off unshaven chin. drop some storage heater bricks into the bush by kwik fit

9:31am - get told off by the boss because you're a minute late. Get squashed bread out of the door and clean leaky milk off the entrance. Grin. Bear it. Think of next job...


Oh my god. It's a novel in the making! Expect a straight to ITV movie version by next spring - probably with Robson Green in it at some point...

Wings xXx

Of Sofas, Dirty Canvassing, Storage Heaters and Ming

Wings

... and when I say 'Ming' I don't mean the chinese dynasty with a penchant for decorative vases. I mean ew. That's how I felt last night when I got in from the club after working 12:00-12:00 at red then 12:15-3:45 at the club as glass collector. After spending three and a half hours squeezing and swinging around sweaty homosexual-gays and lady-dykes with half filled glasses of pepsi and carling bottles I was just a little sticky to say the least but not in the way one would aspire to... Having said that I had 'the most untold time' working there. Being emergency staff definatly has it's perks (besides free entry, free soft draught, free cloakroom, staff drinks, staff deals, free cinema tickets, staff party invites... need I go on?). For a start I got to work with Nee Nee, Becci and Martini behind the bar for a stint during breaks from which I had a good(!) view of a rather blue beaked Orville the duck and Keith Harris. Needless to say, methinks it freaked me out a little that a grown man could do what he was doing up there on stage to a crowd of 16-60 year olds with dignity! But hey ho, whatever floats the boat. Rob the directer of my other job may not have been informed about my club shift and so seemed in a stinkin mood but I'd rather be molested by trannies and pensioners than canvass in a leather pinny outside work with menus like I had to this week. I couldn't have painted the awkwardness on my face any better than if Sir Rolf had done it himself. MING!
Rhia was in too with her new hairdo getting lots of attention be it wanted or otherwise. Speaking of the little sis, she has earned the 'sibling of the month award' for delivering unto me my 13 month dream this saturday. As I type this reader, I finally have my natural look three seater canvas settee from Ikea. And it's bringing a tear to my eye. (wipe). The darling got it for me during her own shopping spree to Ikea (which ended in HER buying £5 worth of bins and coat hangers lol) using a friends van on the understanding that she could have my old settee. DEAL! She's now settling in very well in Kidsgrove about 3 minutes away from Mum's and already got through a lot of (bohemian) decorating this weekend and is a proud owner of such treasures as 'freezer', 'oven' and 'microwave' if not bed!
Also saw Ms Lunt again over the weekend. Hoping she's missing the place enough to at least consider staying in mongy congy a bit longer so that it's half way between here and her mcr metropolitan lifestyle. Freaked her and everyone else out on friday with my full surgeons outfit. Dr Ben Dover donned gloves, mask, cape, hat and pj bottoms in his most realistic (if uncomfortable) costume yet! Look out for pics on soon!
In trying not to make my sofa inhale my lounge I decided this morning I would remove (if illegally) the storage heater off the wall it was against. When Martini told me they were heavy I thought he was being a mimsy. Little did I kno they are actually packed with 16 fcuking bricks! And cladding. And 239 screws. And more ming! After nearly giving downstairs a skylight with a south facing view I finally tore the bastard out and am now in the process of removing it piece by piece from my hall to the bins on lockwood street so nobody can trace it back here... (creepy creepy catchy monkey)
Well, I've rambled quite enough I think. Will be plenty to report next week from more interviews, decorating Rhias (bigger) flat and The Queens birthday. See you all in the hive friday!

Wings xXx

Of Conifer Climbing Races, Lost Mobile Phones and The Police...

Wings

First things first - how cool was Ellens' leaving party? Shin dig and a half it started at the Noahs with her heartfelt words (or lack of) and then the club where it really was "fcuking roasting in here" thanks to our freaky heatwave we've had this weekend. Much sweating, hair ruffling, photo taking and Janes-boobs-smothering later we ended up on the dancefloor with a lot of pissed work mates telling the Chav Princess how much we love her so! Then there was a couple of people back to hers after for a personal affair and some tea. Yeah right. Ellen, Me, Grace, Graham, Anne Marie, Tom, Joy, Joe, Lukkie, Jay, Anna, Carl, Carey, Mark, Tom, Steve and Deakin all ended up very noisy on the back garden eating cold fish suppers (ewww) playing ping the pole (see previous post for rules and gameplay) duvet twister (ditto) conifer tree races (me, Grace and Jay proved our climbing skills on 25ft trees!) water fights, skittle-vodka drinking (2003 was a good year I hear) polestirein (sp?) sword fights and general havok! Being as me Tom and Carey were the only sober/unstoned/non-pilled people there we were of course of the utmost maturity. Which is why Tom was the one to answer the door at 5am to two police officers called to the scene of a public disturbance (apparently running across next doors shed from a hail of water from a supersoaker is dsturbing the peace in this day and age...). I must say I've never seen Anna move so fast as she did when I came to the back garden and told her the filth were at the front as she was half way through skinning up! Pisser. And all Ellen could do was laugh on her stairs saying she didn't give a sh!t cos she was moving within a month! Poor Emma! Cue a 7am taxi home for oatcakes and bed and there's sunday gone before you can say 'Yes Ossifer!'
Other than that Alex left us all to go to Brighton to get a pad ready for her and forementioned dyke Ellen. Martin left for Africa. I left my phone in a till at work which I can't get back until tuesday when Red opens again causing me to miss Stuarts birthday meal!Mum and Ree had a biiiig fall out but at least Rhia has a flat to view tommorrow and I didn't get the job in mongy congy but I'm waitin to hear from two others! Wish me double the luck this time.
In the meantime I'm gonna watch BBC News 24 to see if the latest report has come in from Spain on the recent attack upon the tourist destination currently called costa los stellas!
TTFN, Wings xXx

Of midgets, shelving and twister...

Wings

Hey there girls boys and those in between! Well as you may know the interview went very well on wednesday and I'll hear by this friday just how competant I am to work in "mongy congy" (thank you for that one stroponstoke, for your info the second head and 6th digits come with the paypackage).
Had a really good night out saturday - club was unuasually busy with many faces old (withered as well as familiar) and new (fresh meat always goes stale fast in Stoke) but had much disco dancings with Alex, Gavin, Dom and co. And Joan did a FANTASTIC set! So I nod my cap to her.
Sunday was spent sympathising with Martini over his second hideous decorating disaster this month when he decided that 'Homebase - El Cheapo Brand Classic Cream' would be ok to splash on his walls in the lounge. After seemingly getting more paint on his slippers and the floor he was mortified to find that there's still a heavy green hue shing through AND he ran out of paint before reaching wall 4. It did dry a lot better but to condole him and get me out of the flat we ventured up to the tuns to bask in its new blue twinkly modern look lighting. Followed by a party at chez Ellens which included duvet twister (the most fun I've had on a duvan with 6 other people) and mumblings of utter crap and sh1t! Cue a 6am leaving... YAWN!
Spent today getting in touch with my butch side by mounting speaker brackets, painting wires and assembling shelves to display my geekage in the bedroom. I can feel the testosterone pumpin through me as I type... or maybe that's the chinese we had for tea...
Anyhoo, nothing much to report on except I'm off friday night so it's time for my virginial canal street night out. Eeep!

Keep Flappin,

Wings xXx

Of Interviews, Guts and Manchester

Wings

It's official! 12hrs from now I'll be attending an interview for a high school in congleton starting off as a teaching assistant, then a summerschool coordinator and then learning support in august! I've officially had it with working bizzare hours for crap money and little reward or thanks. I need to get back into the classroom one way or another and with four other members of senior staff jumping ship by the end of august I ain't sticking round to be the youngest one there and therefore blamed for every major fuck-up!
Work is the one thing that has gotten me down this week so was pretty cool to get sunday and monday off to go see Steve in Manchester for a spot of shopping, coffees and a lounge with Miss Lunt (how we miss the fairmaiden of the North so!). Had a totally chilled weekend to be back in yesterday with two other members of staff in serious doubts about their jobs. Rob (Directer) does expect a bit much from us all and uses us as scapegoats to make poor examples of. So bye bye servicing and hello mentoring!
Other news, I decided to take an extended break of 4 hrs today and fell asleep in jubilee gardens with a friend to wake andfind I was an odd shade of crimson. But we're chuffed that's it's already calmed down to a costa-del-sol brown so lookin a little better for it.
Me and Martin are on speaking terms now which I feel better about especially after such a messy break andI didn't want mutual friends (like Soph) to get awkward. Will try to see him before he goes Africa but it's lookin a bit impossible!
And it's gonna be my last week with Ellen at work next week so hope you can all make it out for hers and Alex's leavin do at the club on 19th . No doubt the alcopops will be 'playing merry hell with my guts'.
That's all fer now - nothing too amusing. I know with having to look at all these topless chipp fat covered builders with pot bellies and hairy backs hasn't put any of you in the mood for a titter. Except Gloria maybe, she can be twisted like that. Oh the things she could do with our Stella and a bottle of sunflower oil. Excuse me I think I'm going to possit over my keyboard.
Good Day !

B xXx

Of Reflectivness, Connections And Woopsies... It's Another Essay Folks!

Wings

... and when we say woopsies I don't mean the aisle you all clamour for in Asda for knocked off tins of beans and out of date ham, I mean 'boy do I feel stoopid' woopsies! We were checking the MSN after work when "Martin - Feeling... Refreshed" signed in. Thinking it was Martini (as I thought Foote had blocked me) I instantly typed "refreshed from all the sex?"
The the picture of Mr Foote came up. I'm sure I only open my mouth to change feet sometimes! I couldn't have typed a better comment. Instantly said I had confused my Martins (something I'm sure a lot of people had when reading my last post) and he said "ok". And now it's hit me. Another person who I was close to thinking the world of has passed by. Albeit a really crappy way break up with someone I still kinda miss the Ashley's, Melissa's, Vince's, Dave's and now Martin's that I just seem jinxed with. How is it my perception of someone changes so dramatically especially in the latest case. You only have to see the previous blog regarding my exes that I seem pretty darn poo at picking partners since forever! So I reckon I need to force myself single for a long time and really get back in touch with my mates again. Weekend with family really did me good in a weird way too cos I wanna get back into seein as much of them as possible too. Fair enough my job rarely allows so much time off so maybe I need approach that differently too.
On a similar note, had a major pow-wow with Kerry to discuss how we're really gonna spend the next few weeks kickin ass at work by getting Red out there so here's a shameless plug to tell all you mimsys (especially the married ones) to get your asses in the venue at least once to spread the good word. Think of the children... or something.
Also many thanks to Will on legal advise I believe I'll be a darnsight richer in a month or so too ready to spend spend spend at SFT05pt2 and on the holiday planned with Martini too!
Also a big good luck to Alex who is departing the shores of Stoke-on-Ming to returnto Brighton on the 18th (no doubt she's shaggin Ellen) so look out for her leaving party asap!
Right, I'm off to pack for Manchester for sunday as I shall be fine dining with royalty Princess Stephanie (not the trannie, the merseyside based bisexual Steve - put your tongue away Martini) for his birthday and maybe a virginial night on canal st to see his 24th in style and mimsyness!
Sorry to all who have beard witness to the serious dawsons-creekesque parts of this post.
Night Night Wings xXx

Of singledom, games and thongs...

Wings

A week on and what a week it's been!

We had a fabby time at the beach party in the club with theeee shorts, thong and shirt combo which ended up with me being wrecked in asda with destiny, martini, ian, alex, charlie, anna, dom and bex... most amusing I have to say especially puttin dom on a till. I will admit I was rather chaffed come saturday morning mind - thought I was gonna sneeze and come home in slices.. ICK!
Saturday continued the club merriment with surprise visits from Beth and Rhia (sisters) and my all time best buddy Gemma out in the club with me so a brilliant time too then. Ended up gettin in at my Mum's at 6am just to get up three hours later sunday to help my uncles (who had travelled from inverness and brighton) to redecorate recently-sectioned-crazy-gran's house. This included taking wallpaper of exterior walls, paint off the garden and neighbouring chapel, retiling walls, puttying windows, sanding walls and papering. Lets say my testosterone was riding high, even if my energy wasn't. Spent sunday night recovering really which is sad but true.
Monday consisted of pizza hut with martini, bed shopping for him, surround sound shopping for me (along with more bloody disney dvds!) and anne summers shopping for Jeff (the duty manager) birthday with Ellen (cue an inflatable doll called 'mustafa', a big ben vibrator, nipple clamps, penis pencil sharpener and baby condoms all for £48!!!). Then it was back to the Chav Princesses (Ellen) for a rivetting game of 'hit the clothesline pole with gravel from approx 2 metres'. Oh believe me, this was addictive stuff. Till Salem the fanged cat started to shit in next doors garden so we legged it inside...
Spent the night having sex wees over my dvd player... twas filthy and gorgeous. Moulin Rouge never sounded so good and Saved is something to look out for (you listenin Queen Bee?).
Tuesday was a case of having blazing row with Martin (Foote, not 'tini') which included full running commentary for Martini on msn (confusing I know but you've read this far) with communications yelled over MSN, Phone, Text and Telepathy (ooooommmmmmmmm). Needless to say this is one of the messiest ends I've ever encountered making only two exes I now don't speak to. So after being really riled up I took a long soak and woke up this morning in a freezing bath of cold water... brrrr!
Today consisted of me being determined not to get too riled up over said pompous brat of a child and dig deeper with Kerry from work into who's in for the running of the White Lion as of August... keep those mimsy fingers crossed!

You read this far? How bored are you...., REALLY?!

Wings xXx